wow, foods dumb,

So I'm sorry for not writing in forever, honestly couldn't figure out what my password was.. Lame eh ?

Back to the point: food. Food makes me want to fucking punch shit. I did so good my first week after my last appointment with the ed team (4th), from an ed perspective. I barely ate and exercised a ton. Then tuesday all hell broke lose. Binge. Binge. Binge. I'm at 184lbs ( puke ) that's right. You read that correctly 184lbs of useless disgusting worthless ugly stupid FAT! I cannot keep being this fat. Urggg. This is stupid. I wanna die.

Depressions a bitch. Sneaks up and bites you in the ass right when you'd rather not deal. Like now. I hate this. I feel absolutely nothing except how worthless and ugly I am. I don't deserve food. I'm a fucking whore. I deserve death. I don't deserve anything anyone could possibly do to help me. Remind me why I'm still alive ? Oh yeah that's right I'm a fucking chicken. And I can't stop remembering. Take this time last year for example. I would have been admitted to hospital on monday. 3rd monday in january. 18th (well it was last year) maybe I could finally do it right this year ? Who knows. I'm so sick of disappointing everyone but I realllllly can't look like this. I just ruin everything and no one wants me around anyway. I'm expected to write exams in a week ?! I can't barely concentrate to read PT how am I supposed to study useless crap? Faaaaack.

Then I'm a freak: I keep being paranoid. I'm honestly convinced people are out to get me. I was sitting in class, noticed the teachers coat then out of no where random thoughts come to my head about the coat killing me and coming alive. Then there is the glowing red light on the phone in the room. What if its secretly a camera ? What if they're poisoning my food ? I feel like everything I do is being watched ? What Is? What if ? What if ? Urrrrrg.
What do I do with my life.
Starve on that's what.
Xo, BTB

im not alright, im broken inside,

Yay, title says it all. Fuck life. I have to go back to school tomorrow, whoopee. And I have an appointment with the Ed team. They're supposed to get me set back up with my antidepressants. Since I quit a few months ago. Sigh. Then there was the homework I was supposed to do for them, about moving forward and goals and what I want to work on when I see them. Um hello if I knew what I wanted to work on I would have already fixed it. I'm sure they think I'm a huge joke. Fat girl. Failure at Ed. I'm honestly convinced they don't think I'm serious at all anymore because I'm not purging much, thanks to them, and I'm not skinny enough, fuck. No one listens or takes me serious because I'm so fucking fat. I want to be so thin I look breakable, I want to reflect how I feel on the inside on the outside. And that is like shit. I just want to break.
I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday. Yesterday was the year anniversary of when I almost took the od. Why the fuck didn't I?! Urg. Biggest mistake of my life, should have done it. I hate this.
This was a shit food day. Every day is a shit food day because I have no self control. I am fucking nothing.
I'm so done,

Happy New Year.. First entry..

Well well well, look who found themselves blogging!
I figured new year, may as well try something new to help me keep myself on track. I'm going to try and post often, daily hopefully with updates on myself and my life. If your reading this I'm a little shocked since I'm lame and this is probably going to be lame but good for you!

So background info.. Ill go by borntobreak (my PT name.) Which can be shortened to btb. ED for 3 plus years, I've been seeing the local ED team for a year.. Lucky me. I don't really know how I feel about recovery. I mean sure it'd be nice to not have to live with all this shit but I really am not so sure I can. I have depression and anxiety. Was hospitalized last January for 3 weeks, you'll probably learn more about that as we go. I am by no means underweight.. Overweight in fact, yeah fucking bull, I don't know why I remind myself. I hatehatehate being fat and wish it makes me wish I was dead. This year all of that is about to change, I will absolutely get thin, I will show everyone what I am capable of. No one thinks I can do it, but I will do this. Ill work on getting a weight update for everyone.

I am using this blog for accountability and to share my story.

I will be thin.
_- xo , borntobreak (btb)