wow, foods dumb,

So I'm sorry for not writing in forever, honestly couldn't figure out what my password was.. Lame eh ?

Back to the point: food. Food makes me want to fucking punch shit. I did so good my first week after my last appointment with the ed team (4th), from an ed perspective. I barely ate and exercised a ton. Then tuesday all hell broke lose. Binge. Binge. Binge. I'm at 184lbs ( puke ) that's right. You read that correctly 184lbs of useless disgusting worthless ugly stupid FAT! I cannot keep being this fat. Urggg. This is stupid. I wanna die.

Depressions a bitch. Sneaks up and bites you in the ass right when you'd rather not deal. Like now. I hate this. I feel absolutely nothing except how worthless and ugly I am. I don't deserve food. I'm a fucking whore. I deserve death. I don't deserve anything anyone could possibly do to help me. Remind me why I'm still alive ? Oh yeah that's right I'm a fucking chicken. And I can't stop remembering. Take this time last year for example. I would have been admitted to hospital on monday. 3rd monday in january. 18th (well it was last year) maybe I could finally do it right this year ? Who knows. I'm so sick of disappointing everyone but I realllllly can't look like this. I just ruin everything and no one wants me around anyway. I'm expected to write exams in a week ?! I can't barely concentrate to read PT how am I supposed to study useless crap? Faaaaack.

Then I'm a freak: I keep being paranoid. I'm honestly convinced people are out to get me. I was sitting in class, noticed the teachers coat then out of no where random thoughts come to my head about the coat killing me and coming alive. Then there is the glowing red light on the phone in the room. What if its secretly a camera ? What if they're poisoning my food ? I feel like everything I do is being watched ? What Is? What if ? What if ? Urrrrrg.
What do I do with my life.
Starve on that's what.
Xo, BTB